Self-Destruct Programming: A Society of Underachievers

I mentioned the other day about why I keep putting my research projects on the back burner, so to speak. Well, even though it is a valid excuse - it's still an excuse. Self-sabotage. Apparently, this seems to be all too common among most people and it's hard to understand why. At its essence, it is fear of success which makes no sense at all - and we, especially Americans are way too good at it. I just read about it in Julia Cameron's Walking in this World - one of her Artist's Way books:

"Despite our culture's well-earned reputation for encouraging instant gratification, we are NOT encouraged to act decisively upon our creative desires. We are trained to think about them, doubt them, second-guess them. We are trained, in short, to talk ourselves out of committing..."

This is exactly my situation. I over think, over analyze, and sabotage the most important things I want to do and accomplish. Whether it is a very personal issue or career related, I come up with any and every excuse I can to not do what I want to, need to, and/or have a deep burning desire to do.

I guess it all comes back to my feelings of inadequacy: I feel like I'm not good enough to do this; who the heck do I think I am to believe I can do such things. Growing up, nobody wanted to hear what I had to say - I was told outright to keep my damn mouth shut because nobody wanted nor needed to hear whatever it is I wanted to say. I was told this both at home - where they just ignored me if I did say anything most of the time - and at school - by my peers. So, I was literally taught that my words had no value - and even though it makes no sense, it stays part of one's psyche and wreaks havoc at some point down the line. Barbara Sher mentions this in her books, too. We are just not nurtured or brought up to be successful. It seems that the few who "make it" do so because their parents fought past this illogical and detrimental programming. Basically, the American dream exists but for some bizarre reason, we do not deserve or have a right to it.

So, what am I doing? I am fighting it - every day and in every way I know how to. I keep going to school - keep learning. One message my mother did throw in that seems to help, albeit with difficulty - stay in school, get that degree. In a way I know she was saying - don't give up like the rest of us did - keep at it - no matter what. So I do this, I keep at it, I keep fighting and pushing past the problematical programming. And so far so good, except when those damn problems I mentioned in another post tend to throw me off track. Fortunately, one minor one is officially dealt with. Which will help with several other problems at present. Hopefully, I can get my research moving along soon.

I will post when I have more to say. CIAO!